Brazen Hussies - Gem Du Jour

Joan Crawford once said, "If you want to see the girl next d

oor, go next door." And, we might add, if you are looking for sweetness and light, try a well lit candy store. But, darlings, if you, are looking for snappy retorts and positively ballistic bon mots, read on.

We thought there might be some peeved Eves or angry Adams surfing by who could use some help from the Brazen Hussies. Soooo, sweeties, we are here to guide you to the best lines to express, well, JUST HOW TICKED OFF you are... So here are some positively brazen (natch) and inspirational peppy put~downs to to help you get in touch with your inner bitch:

"She looks like something that would eat its young."~~~ Dorothy Parker (about Dame Edith Evans)

"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you." ~~~ Groucho Marx

"He was trying to save both his faces." ~~~ John Gunther (we'd like to send this quote out on the cyber waves, changing "he" to "she", to a certain Nancy... last name rhymes with Leathery... she knows who she is... In fact, BOTH her faces know who she is...)

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more ~ but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway." ~~~ Hunter S. Thompson (hmmm, considering the source, we wonder if Hunter honey was talking about CHEMICAL castration, if you get our drift...)

"Every word she writes is a lie, including 'and' and 'the'." ~~~ Mary McCarthy (dissing Dashell's darlin', Lillian Hellman)

"I look at my friendship with her as like having a gall stone. You deal with it, there is pain, and then you pass it." ~~~ Sandra Bernhard (about Madonna... but we can see how adapting this quote to numerous people, including ex-spouses, could be TRES useful...)

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." ~~~ Ralph Novak (about Yoko Ono "That's Not Screeching, It's Performance Art")

"She bellies up to the gourmet crackerbarrel and delivers laid~back wisdom with the serenity of a down-home Buddha who has discovered that stool softeners really work." ~~~ Florence King (mad at Molly Ivins)

"He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms." ~~~ Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty, but we bet there are a LOT of men who'll end up that way.... hahahahahahahahaha.. excuse us.. we were just thinking about some specifics...)

"He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty." ~~~ Sam Houston (about Thomas Jefferson Green, but most apropos for certain ex-husbands, n'est-ce pas?)

"She's like an apple turnover tat got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day." ~~~ Camille Palia (about Drew Barrymore, whom we think is adorable... but can't you just SEE her as a mushy, gooey, apple turnover!!!)

"The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli." ~~~ John Simon (about (about Shelley Duvall, who did us all a favor and decided to concentrate on directing and producing so we don't have to look at her that often...)